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Saturday, January 30, 2016
Should I Invite Myself?
Dear Cyndie,
My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, and my mother
remarried a couple of years later. As the years have passed, my stepfather has
made it increasingly apparent that he is not interested in spending time with
me, my siblings and our families. Nor does he seem enthusiastic for my mother
to do so. He does not like us to visit, and my mother no longer invites us to
stay with her.
My brother and his wife have a new baby and will be visiting
my mother next month. My mother told me this but pointedly did not invite me
and my family to visit, too, even though I told her how much I wanted to see
the new baby.
Should I invite myself and go anyway? Or should I go, but spring
for a hotel for my family, instead of staying at my mother’s house. All of us
live too far from each other to visit without spending the night.
Dear Friend:
Let me ask you a question. What kind of relationship would
you like to have with your mother and stepfather in five years? Realistically,
taking them as they are, with all of their feelings, views and opinions, what
would a good relationship look like? Let’s call that potential future
relationship your goal.
Now, acknowledging that the only person you can control is
yourself, what can you do to move toward that goal? What can you do to improve your
relationship with them? Certainly you should show respect for their personal habits
and choices, and try to see things from their point of view. What other actions
on your part would improve the relationship—or at least keep it from
deteriorating?
(And I don’t mean to imply you have to be close to them. You
might have a much easier relationship if you choose to distance yourself
somewhat from them.)
Family relationships are a long game. For that reason, when
considering any particular conflict or problem, you have to think beyond the
immediate situation and consider the effect your actions will have on the
relationship for years to come.
In your case, your feelings are hurt and understandably so.
You are feeling rejected. Of course you want your mother (and your stepfather,
too) to love and be interested in you and your children. Of course you want to
be invited and welcomed to their home. But no matter how hurt you feel, you
cannot, in retaliation, invite yourself for a visit when you know that your mother does not want you
to come. You need to think beyond how you feel today and consider the effect your
behavior would have on your long term relationship with your mother and
stepfather.
I cannot imagine any circumstance in which inviting yourself
would have a net positive result. Sure, you’d get to see the baby, and babies
are wonderful. But you would also be intruding into the special time your
mother has scheduled with your brother and his family. Given your stepfather’s dislike
of house guests, this visit is probably a really big deal to your mother and
brother. And I suspect your mother has planned carefully to make this a
pleasant visit for everyone—especially for your stepfather.
If you show up uninvited, you will throw a wrench into her
plans, causing additional stress and expense for everyone. Your stepfather’s
opinion of you (and possibly of your siblings, too, by unfair association) will
worsen, and future visits will become less likely and more contentious for your
mother to negotiate. Your presence will become synonymous with stress, nerve
and the inability to respect others.
Perhaps you are thinking that your mother and stepfather should
be more flexible, that surely they can afford the extra expense, or that they should
not be so cold. But all that is beside the point. You were not invited. And no matter how many families you know who
operate on a “come any time” and “the more the merrier” philosophy, yours is
not one of them. You can do things differently when your children are grown—I
hope you can and will. But you cannot force your mother and stepfather to do
things differently today.
Nor should you expect your mother to stress her marriage in
order to please you. You are a grown woman with a home of your own. Do not
attempt to drive a wedge between your mother and her husband. Do not show up
unannounced as a loyalty test of your mother’s affection. Unless your
stepfather is an abuser who is trying to isolate your mother from her family
(and I don’t say that lightly—there are such people, and escape from them is
not easy), you cannot seriously expect her to strain her marriage over this
question of family visits. Nor should you assume that this development is
entirely his idea. It could be that your mother is behind it, or at least a
willing participant, but your stepfather is taking one for the team by
pretending it’s his idea.
Instead, be patient. Respect your mother and stepfather’s
wishes and find ways to strengthen your relationship with them on their terms. Think
of your goal and how you can move toward it. Do you share any interests? Would
your stepfather appreciate a card or a nice gift on his birthday? Are they amenable
to brief, hotel-based visits? Could you invite them to visit you at a time and
under conditions that would make them comfortable? Should you just accept that
visits are out?
You might also consider, objectively, whether you and your
family are good guests. Even well-behaved children in a house are louder,
messier and more destructive than no children in a house. Do your children
behave nicely? Are you a cheerful, helpful, relaxed, respectful guest who
doesn’t wear out her welcome?
Finally, there is another set of long-term relationships you
need to nurture: between you, your brother, and your families. Lucky for you,
the people who grant access to that baby you want to see are your brother and
his wife—not your mother. Your relationship with them is separate from your
relationship with you’re her, and it need not hinge on simultaneous visits to
your mother’s home. So if you really want to see the new baby, give your
brother a call and talk about getting together.
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