How Do I Get Out of this Tutoring Gig?

 

Dear Cyndie,

I visit teach a lady whose adult son needs tutoring for some college courses that are within my professional expertise. I volunteered to tutor him, and I feel like my service has helped me develop a rapport with this lady, which has helped her attend church more often.

The problem is that the son does not take his classes or our tutoring sessions seriously. He skips class and doesn’t do the assignments or exercises I give him. He then expects to stay twice as long at our sessions each week so he can learn and practice the material.

I work full time and have many family and church obligations. I would be happy to help this man if he were serious, but I feel like he is wasting my time. I don’t want to offend this man’s mother, but I don’t want tutor him anymore.

How can I get out of this?

Dear Friend,

All service projects have to end sometime. Circumstances change, including the availability of the person giving service, the needs of the person being served and the amount of benefit derived from the service. A service that was, at one point, vital and effective, may over time become less important. Or, the cost of giving that service might become too high for the benefit the service produces.

Because your time and resources are limited (as everyone’s are), it is completely reasonable of you to consider whether your sacrifice of time and talent is worth the results you are seeing from these tutoring sessions. If this man’s lack of preparation (not attending class, not doing assignments) is causing your sessions to lengthen even as his progress slows, there is nothing wrong with changing your arrangement.

You could do this in a number of ways.

One solution might be to decide how much time you are willing to give him without feeling like he is taking advantage. If you decide you have 45 minutes a week for him, only give him the 45 minutes. 

When he arrives at the session, say, “Hello, Stanley. Good to see you. I have to end right at 4:45 today, so let’s get started.” Then, at 4:45, say, “Well, that’s our time,” and stand up. If you are at your house, he should recognize your social cue and begin to pack up. If he does not, you might need to find your coat, purse and keys and run a short errand to urge him on his way. If you are not at your house, you can simply stand up, bid him a friendly good-bye and leave.

Another solution might be to tell him that you are sorry, but you are unable to meet with him any longer. You would give no explanation beyond, “I can’t” or “I won’t be able to.” The timing is up to you. You could tell him immediately or, if you feel obligated to help him through this class, at the end of the semester.

A third approach would be to talk to this man about his lack of preparation and to explain that you won’t be able to continue your sessions unless he attends class and does all of the work. This is a less comfortable approach because it requires some level of confrontation. But knowing more about the situation will probably inform your decision about continuing the sessions.

Here is how you might begin, in a frank but pleasant tone: “Stanley, I’m concerned that you are not attending class or completing your assignments.” Then you wait for him to answer, with an open, questioning look on your face. You are not trying to shame or scold him, or to force him to do anything. Your goal is to help him with his studies, and you are looking for information on how best to do that.

If, after his explanation, you’d like to continue to tutor him, you might say, “I see. Still, we only have 45 minutes a week together, and I’m afraid that’s not enough to cover all of the material for the first time.” 

Then, offer a solution: “Why don’t we do this: Let’s only meet on weeks where you have gone to class and done the assignment. Text me after your class on Tuesday morning. If I hear from you, I’ll plan to meet you on Thursday at 4:00. When we meet, bring your completed assignment. I can help you check it, and together we can see where you are getting stuck.”

This conversation will require some preparation. You need to decide in advance what you are willing to do and on what terms. Then, stick to your guns. If he is not willing to meet your terms, it is okay for you to end the arrangement. This man’s education is his responsibility, not yours.

Hopefully, his mother understands this. Hopefully, she knows that it would be unreasonable to be offended that you don’t want to tutor for free a grown man who doesn’t even bother to attend class. Also, it would be petty for her to stop attending church, which she presumably enjoys, because you don’t want to spend hours every week helping her son with his college coursework. Either attitude would demonstrate an unattractive sense of entitlement to your time and expertise.

Still, stranger things have happened. And if this lady does become upset despite your best efforts to behave reasonably and professionally, there is not much you can do except to give her space and to make clear that you still want to be her friend.

You should not, however, accept any blame for this man’s lack of academic success. His problems predate you and are not your responsibility to solve. That might be cold comfort if this lady becomes upset, but it is important for you to remember. In fact, you should keep that in mind whether or not you end your sessions with him.

However, I think we should give this lady a little more credit and not assume that she will be offended if you stop tutoring her son. It is entirely possible that she will be properly embarrassed by her son’s behavior, and disappointed with him for wasting both your time and the opportunity to work with you.  

Therefore, I suggest you show this lady that you are not offended, resentful or put out, and that your experience with her son has not diminished your opinion of her or changed your relationship. You should take the lead at showing there is no awkwardness between you. Continue to visit and talk with her, and to show her friendship and kindness. Hopefully, if you show her that your regard for her has not changed, she will feel comfortable around you despite any embarrassment she feels.

Finally, let me suggest one more thing. Be careful not to become a go-between for this lady and her son. It seems possible that she is more than usually involved in his life. Perhaps he is even enrolled in classes as a sop to her. 

Whatever their relationship, be sure not to act as an intermediary. You have a visiting teaching and friendship relationship with the mother, and a separate tutoring relationship with the son. Be sure to keep those relationships distinct, and not to relay the confidential or personal information you learn from one party to the other party. Do not become entangled in family disputes.

Specifically, remember that this man is an adult. You should respect his privacy and keep the content of your conversations between the two of you. Unless life, death or fraud are on the line, you should refer his mother to him if she wants to know the details of his life or academic progress. 

So if she asks how your sessions are going after you have ended them, you might say, regretfully “Oh. We are not meeting anymore.” And if she asks for details you can reply, “It wasn’t working out.”

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Should I Invite Myself?

Dear Cyndie,

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, and my mother remarried a couple of years later. As the years have passed, my stepfather has made it increasingly apparent that he is not interested in spending time with me, my siblings and our families. Nor does he seem enthusiastic for my mother to do so. He does not like us to visit, and my mother no longer invites us to stay with her.

My brother and his wife have a new baby and will be visiting my mother next month. My mother told me this but pointedly did not invite me and my family to visit, too, even though I told her how much I wanted to see the new baby.

Should I invite myself and go anyway? Or should I go, but spring for a hotel for my family, instead of staying at my mother’s house. All of us live too far from each other to visit without spending the night.

Dear Friend:

Let me ask you a question. What kind of relationship would you like to have with your mother and stepfather in five years? Realistically, taking them as they are, with all of their feelings, views and opinions, what would a good relationship look like? Let’s call that potential future relationship your goal.

Now, acknowledging that the only person you can control is yourself, what can you do to move toward that goal? What can you do to improve your relationship with them? Certainly you should show respect for their personal habits and choices, and try to see things from their point of view. What other actions on your part would improve the relationship—or at least keep it from deteriorating?

 (And I don’t mean to imply you have to be close to them. You might have a much easier relationship if you choose to distance yourself somewhat from them.)

Family relationships are a long game. For that reason, when considering any particular conflict or problem, you have to think beyond the immediate situation and consider the effect your actions will have on the relationship for years to come.

In your case, your feelings are hurt and understandably so. You are feeling rejected. Of course you want your mother (and your stepfather, too) to love and be interested in you and your children. Of course you want to be invited and welcomed to their home. But no matter how hurt you feel, you cannot, in retaliation, invite yourself for a visit when you know that your mother does not want you to come. You need to think beyond how you feel today and consider the effect your behavior would have on your long term relationship with your mother and stepfather.

I cannot imagine any circumstance in which inviting yourself would have a net positive result. Sure, you’d get to see the baby, and babies are wonderful. But you would also be intruding into the special time your mother has scheduled with your brother and his family. Given your stepfather’s dislike of house guests, this visit is probably a really big deal to your mother and brother. And I suspect your mother has planned carefully to make this a pleasant visit for everyone—especially for your stepfather.

If you show up uninvited, you will throw a wrench into her plans, causing additional stress and expense for everyone. Your stepfather’s opinion of you (and possibly of your siblings, too, by unfair association) will worsen, and future visits will become less likely and more contentious for your mother to negotiate. Your presence will become synonymous with stress, nerve and the inability to respect others.

Perhaps you are thinking that your mother and stepfather should be more flexible, that surely they can afford the extra expense, or that they should not be so cold. But all that is beside the point. You were not invited. And no matter how many families you know who operate on a “come any time” and “the more the merrier” philosophy, yours is not one of them. You can do things differently when your children are grown—I hope you can and will. But you cannot force your mother and stepfather to do things differently today.

Nor should you expect your mother to stress her marriage in order to please you. You are a grown woman with a home of your own. Do not attempt to drive a wedge between your mother and her husband. Do not show up unannounced as a loyalty test of your mother’s affection. Unless your stepfather is an abuser who is trying to isolate your mother from her family (and I don’t say that lightly—there are such people, and escape from them is not easy), you cannot seriously expect her to strain her marriage over this question of family visits. Nor should you assume that this development is entirely his idea. It could be that your mother is behind it, or at least a willing participant, but your stepfather is taking one for the team by pretending it’s his idea.

Instead, be patient. Respect your mother and stepfather’s wishes and find ways to strengthen your relationship with them on their terms. Think of your goal and how you can move toward it. Do you share any interests? Would your stepfather appreciate a card or a nice gift on his birthday? Are they amenable to brief, hotel-based visits? Could you invite them to visit you at a time and under conditions that would make them comfortable? Should you just accept that visits are out?

You might also consider, objectively, whether you and your family are good guests. Even well-behaved children in a house are louder, messier and more destructive than no children in a house. Do your children behave nicely? Are you a cheerful, helpful, relaxed, respectful guest who doesn’t wear out her welcome?

Finally, there is another set of long-term relationships you need to nurture: between you, your brother, and your families. Lucky for you, the people who grant access to that baby you want to see are your brother and his wife—not your mother. Your relationship with them is separate from your relationship with you’re her, and it need not hinge on simultaneous visits to your mother’s home. So if you really want to see the new baby, give your brother a call and talk about getting together.