How Do I Get Out of this Tutoring Gig?

 

Dear Cyndie,

I visit teach a lady whose adult son needs tutoring for some college courses that are within my professional expertise. I volunteered to tutor him, and I feel like my service has helped me develop a rapport with this lady, which has helped her attend church more often.

The problem is that the son does not take his classes or our tutoring sessions seriously. He skips class and doesn’t do the assignments or exercises I give him. He then expects to stay twice as long at our sessions each week so he can learn and practice the material.

I work full time and have many family and church obligations. I would be happy to help this man if he were serious, but I feel like he is wasting my time. I don’t want to offend this man’s mother, but I don’t want tutor him anymore.

How can I get out of this?

Dear Friend,

All service projects have to end sometime. Circumstances change, including the availability of the person giving service, the needs of the person being served and the amount of benefit derived from the service. A service that was, at one point, vital and effective, may over time become less important. Or, the cost of giving that service might become too high for the benefit the service produces.

Because your time and resources are limited (as everyone’s are), it is completely reasonable of you to consider whether your sacrifice of time and talent is worth the results you are seeing from these tutoring sessions. If this man’s lack of preparation (not attending class, not doing assignments) is causing your sessions to lengthen even as his progress slows, there is nothing wrong with changing your arrangement.

You could do this in a number of ways.

One solution might be to decide how much time you are willing to give him without feeling like he is taking advantage. If you decide you have 45 minutes a week for him, only give him the 45 minutes. 

When he arrives at the session, say, “Hello, Stanley. Good to see you. I have to end right at 4:45 today, so let’s get started.” Then, at 4:45, say, “Well, that’s our time,” and stand up. If you are at your house, he should recognize your social cue and begin to pack up. If he does not, you might need to find your coat, purse and keys and run a short errand to urge him on his way. If you are not at your house, you can simply stand up, bid him a friendly good-bye and leave.

Another solution might be to tell him that you are sorry, but you are unable to meet with him any longer. You would give no explanation beyond, “I can’t” or “I won’t be able to.” The timing is up to you. You could tell him immediately or, if you feel obligated to help him through this class, at the end of the semester.

A third approach would be to talk to this man about his lack of preparation and to explain that you won’t be able to continue your sessions unless he attends class and does all of the work. This is a less comfortable approach because it requires some level of confrontation. But knowing more about the situation will probably inform your decision about continuing the sessions.

Here is how you might begin, in a frank but pleasant tone: “Stanley, I’m concerned that you are not attending class or completing your assignments.” Then you wait for him to answer, with an open, questioning look on your face. You are not trying to shame or scold him, or to force him to do anything. Your goal is to help him with his studies, and you are looking for information on how best to do that.

If, after his explanation, you’d like to continue to tutor him, you might say, “I see. Still, we only have 45 minutes a week together, and I’m afraid that’s not enough to cover all of the material for the first time.” 

Then, offer a solution: “Why don’t we do this: Let’s only meet on weeks where you have gone to class and done the assignment. Text me after your class on Tuesday morning. If I hear from you, I’ll plan to meet you on Thursday at 4:00. When we meet, bring your completed assignment. I can help you check it, and together we can see where you are getting stuck.”

This conversation will require some preparation. You need to decide in advance what you are willing to do and on what terms. Then, stick to your guns. If he is not willing to meet your terms, it is okay for you to end the arrangement. This man’s education is his responsibility, not yours.

Hopefully, his mother understands this. Hopefully, she knows that it would be unreasonable to be offended that you don’t want to tutor for free a grown man who doesn’t even bother to attend class. Also, it would be petty for her to stop attending church, which she presumably enjoys, because you don’t want to spend hours every week helping her son with his college coursework. Either attitude would demonstrate an unattractive sense of entitlement to your time and expertise.

Still, stranger things have happened. And if this lady does become upset despite your best efforts to behave reasonably and professionally, there is not much you can do except to give her space and to make clear that you still want to be her friend.

You should not, however, accept any blame for this man’s lack of academic success. His problems predate you and are not your responsibility to solve. That might be cold comfort if this lady becomes upset, but it is important for you to remember. In fact, you should keep that in mind whether or not you end your sessions with him.

However, I think we should give this lady a little more credit and not assume that she will be offended if you stop tutoring her son. It is entirely possible that she will be properly embarrassed by her son’s behavior, and disappointed with him for wasting both your time and the opportunity to work with you.  

Therefore, I suggest you show this lady that you are not offended, resentful or put out, and that your experience with her son has not diminished your opinion of her or changed your relationship. You should take the lead at showing there is no awkwardness between you. Continue to visit and talk with her, and to show her friendship and kindness. Hopefully, if you show her that your regard for her has not changed, she will feel comfortable around you despite any embarrassment she feels.

Finally, let me suggest one more thing. Be careful not to become a go-between for this lady and her son. It seems possible that she is more than usually involved in his life. Perhaps he is even enrolled in classes as a sop to her. 

Whatever their relationship, be sure not to act as an intermediary. You have a visiting teaching and friendship relationship with the mother, and a separate tutoring relationship with the son. Be sure to keep those relationships distinct, and not to relay the confidential or personal information you learn from one party to the other party. Do not become entangled in family disputes.

Specifically, remember that this man is an adult. You should respect his privacy and keep the content of your conversations between the two of you. Unless life, death or fraud are on the line, you should refer his mother to him if she wants to know the details of his life or academic progress. 

So if she asks how your sessions are going after you have ended them, you might say, regretfully “Oh. We are not meeting anymore.” And if she asks for details you can reply, “It wasn’t working out.”